Change

"The seasons have changed and so have we" - Death Cab for Cutie

3

The worst 3 days of my life just so happened to be one after another. Not to mention these 3 days happened to fall in a very terrible time frame. Someone please help me? Someone get me out of here. To make it worse i have a feeling this is just going to continue, i might be losing it. i frequently find myself with hunches about anything really. Too bad many times these hunches are true. Im appalled, shocked, a little angry. I also feel like no one really wants to help me. So i find myself dealing with things on my own, as usual.

"There are a million reasons for why this may not work... and just one good one for why it will" moneen

1

I should probably be a lot happier than I am right now. I think this could be accredited to the fantastical idea of my ideal life. It's hard to not have expectations and it's worse when the expections are impossible to live up to. I apologize to anyone I have been cold to because you didn't fulfill my ridiculous expectation of perfection. It's not easy to live like nothing bothers you when the slightest missteps make you go insane. For the first time in my life I can really see my faults, and yet I still struggle to fix them. Maybe it's my demand for instant gratification and little patience, or maybe I'm just fixated on this self-destructive life I lead.

"I'm a moon that never shows it's face, I'm a mouth that doesn't smile, I'm a word that no one ever wants to say"

Why?

Because I'm JoshLee... really

Pity party

Today it occurred to me that I may very well be the most boring person I know. For me new years eve was probably far more boring than everyone else's. Other than the part where my intoxicated uncle made an ass of himself. His 8 year old daughter apologized for his behavior. He's one of those people that like to drink their problems away, but when your 8 year old daughter has to apologize for your actions, it might be time for some self-assessment. But honestly, it has come to a point where I really don't even like to leave my house. I apologize to the people that I have cancelled plans with due to me being too indecisive to make a real decision, me being too nonchalant and narcissistic to even consider others, and me just being an asshole. Or maybe I'm just lazy. I use the same old overused, tired, cliche excuses in order to prevent myself from sounding like a jerk although I'm fully aware that I am many times. I remember when I wasn't so caught up in these thoughts of self-pity and loathing. I miss being carefree. It's sad that this blog has become a place where a  lot of times I'm just babbling about how much i hate myself. There are a few things I do like though. For another time.

"If trageds appealing, then disasters an addiction" - Moneen

No Good For No One Now

I am disillusioned, I have trouble finding faith in anything now
Where and when did everything become so convoluted and unbearable?
I can't find anything that brings me contentment here anymore
Who did this to me, and why did this happen now?
I'm having trouble sleeping. Too angry, too caught-up in thinking, too dissatisfied with everything
I'm detached, I'm a fraud, I'm not anything I want to be

I'm sorry for all the things I have or haven't done

But I don't care about what you think anymore

-To everyone who thought I was something that I'm not

"I never asked to be nobody's nothing" - Owen

When You Thought You'd Never Stand Out

If there was ever a person
ever a person that has created such a movement in me
it's you.


"Didn’t I see you when you thought you’d never stand out? Didn’t I find you?" - Copeland